The Future of Naruto
by Arhinn
Summary: Let it be known that this is a random story, written in a moment of total randomness, by five random people who happen to be cousins. It's hilarious! Consider yourself warned.


This is what happened to Naruto later in life. The dog named Akamaru acquired a liking for shrimp. So, one day, he tried to eat Naruto, because Naruto looked like a shrimp. However, Akamaru was unable to eat Naruto, so Akamaru had to use a transformation jutsu and become a giant polar bear. But Naruto fought back. He used his shadow clone jutsu and cloned many more Narutos. Unfortunately, Akamaru cloned many more polar bears, all of whom were possessed by the eight-tailed red bull, which gave them wings. Sasuke would have rescued Naruto, because, after all, Sasuke could have rescued Naruto without even trying or breaking a sweat, because polar bears are nothing compared to Sasuke, who can launch fireballs, but Sasuke was finally getting down to business with Sakura and was thus indisposed. The Hokage was getting a heart transplant, because he was an old frail man. Kakashi was at the comic store buying new Hintai comics, and was thus greatly indisposed. So it was up to Hinata to save Naruto. She royally owned all the polar bears, because she was way cool and stronger than everybody else, except Sasuke. Kiba was heartbroken over the death of his dog and would have killed himself except he choked on a cashew and died. It so happened that Sakura died in childbirth; therefore, Hinata and Sasuke happily were married. Ino was tragically killed in a card-shuffling accident. This incident also claimed the life of Kabuto, who the cards belonged to. His corpse was charged with multiple counts of manslaughter and interred for 25 years in the village penitentiary, where it rotted and killed many other prisoners due to the Grippe. All this could have been prevented by Gaara, but, unfortunately, Gaara was too busy saving the world to worry about Naruto. Then Gaara came back and got royally owned by Sasuke, but they both became good friends and exchanged teddy bears. Incidentally, Gai Sensei got a job as a fashion consultant with Calvin Klien, and went on to work with models. Clavin Klien shot him one day in a dispute over a woman and unfortunately Gai Sensei was too slow to dodge the bullet. He was killed. TenTen also got a job as a fashion consultant with Calvin Klien, who shot her as well over a messed up marketing file. She, however, dodged the bullet and royally owned his cheapskate ass. Choji died of massive botulism at the age of thirteen. He tried to eat a can of condensed ramen and didn't realize the can was inedible. Incidentally, it had also been tainted with cyanide by Shikamaru who found him "troublesome," police records show. Shikamaru was placed in the village penitentiary and later died of mold. Inari tried to take over the village, but tripped on a rock and fell into a pool of gasoline. Asuma was smoking in the general vicinity, and the gasoline ignited. Inari suffered severe burns to his entire body, but royally owned Asuma before he died. Zabuza took up bingo and got fat, then later cut his arm off trying to fix a doorknob. He bled to death on the scene. Haku received counseling for his bisexual tendencies and later went on to happily marry Moegi. Konohamaru joined a gang and was unfortunately gunned down in a drive-by at the age of fifteen. Udon grew up to become the next great CEO of the world, and royally owned Bill Gate's ass with his revolutionary SMART (TM) Kleenex industry. Bill Gates moved to Somalia and died a pauper. In the meantime, Gatoh was put on display in the village zoo with the gorillas. Incidentally, the Bridge Builder died when the Great Naruto Bridge collapsed under the strain of a crashed Boeing 747. Rock Lee got killed by Itachi, who thought he had a demon in him. Turns out it was just a bit of guacamole. Itachi, overcome with grief at his fatal mistake, apologized to Sasuke for everything. Sasuke, in his infinite compassion, forgave his brother, who later lost a duel with a paint can and died. Temari got it on with Neji and traveled the world with Cirque de Solei as a fan dancer. After learning that Neji had died in a bowling ball mishap, she flew into a fit of rage and murdered her employers, then knocked down the Amazon rain forest and blew over Kankuro's outhouse while he was playing with finger puppets. The two then faced off in a fight to the death, which Temari won because Kankura's pants fell down. Once Temari had cooled off, she realized the error of her ways and turned herself in to the police, who handed her over to Sasuke to be disciplined. However, Sasuke recognized her remorse and let her go. She later continued touring with Cirque de Solei, under "new management," police records show. Gaara had "no comment." Shino was put on anti-depressants which made him a happy, bubbly kid. He went on to become the next "Crocodile Hunter," with an emphasis on arachnids. Little children all over the world loved his show and he became a wealthy TV personality and political activist. Jiraya was murdered in a copyright misunderstanding over the publishing of his most recent "book." Tsunade gave her assets up to a charitable foundation on a mission to stop the hunting of whales for their blubber. She died of medical complications and resultant spousal abuse. Orochimaru died in a stapler accident, in which his soul was forever attached to a carbon copy of Tsunami's tax return. Ibiki lived a full life and later took up watercolors. Kurenai got a job teaching kindergarten. Iruka later discovered that the scar on his nose was cancerous and had to have it removed. He then became Amish and refused chemotherapy, resulting in his premature demise. Ebisu went on to become a porn star, but quickly died of HIV. Anko was bitten by a garter snake and died due to a fanatic placebo effect, which made her believe that the snake was actually poisonous. She drank a bottle of antivenin, which killed her because there was no real poison for it to counteract. Gamabunta was killed in the Chameleon Revolt of '87. He was awarded the Medal of Honor post-mortem for saving Gai Sensei's tortoise, who was later put in the zoo with Gatoh. Kakashi's dog Pakkun opened all Eight Gates and fell through to the Ninth Gate, which he found was locked. He died of a heart attack and a deficiency of Kibbles 'n Bits. Kakashi later died from malnutrition and dehydration after reading Hintai straight for a week and not remembering to eat. His funeral was sparsely attended. Only Naruto showed up, because Naruto had no life and nothing else to do with his time except eat ramen. Thus he become fatter than even Zabuza and later died of clogged arteries. It was a sad day for the village, since the Nine-Tailed Fox escaped and went on a rampage, killing everyone including the Hokage, who was in a wheelchair with an artificial respirator watching game shows. Gaara, Sasuke, and Hinata killed the Fox by siccing the ghost of Rommel on him. Gaara eventually married TenTen, who was by then a wealthy executive after aggressively taking over Calvin Klien's empire. Udon gladly took his own life so as not to be in competition with TenTen's rapidly growing enterprise. Thus it was that Sasuke, Hinata, Gaara, and TenTen lived happily ever after and killed off the Village of Sound, who were being total jerks. They did this with the help of TenTen's revolutionary product, earplugs. They all paid a daily homage to the grave of Naruto, who got this whole effing thing started.


End file.
